Every situation has a silver lining – discover a mindset that heals and enlightens.
November 23, 2021 · 9 min read
New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings. ~ Lao Tzu
Are you heartbroken but can’t let go of your partner?
Are you hurt but still in love?
Relationships require participation of two people. Without active communication, everything will eventually fall apart.
Either way, it’s possible to start over in a relationship, but only under one condition: both people have to be willing to make changes and work on them.
It doesn’t matter if you’re married, still in dating stage, or are in a long-term relationship. You can always give another chance if both of you are devoted enough.
6 Signs your relationship is broken
Here are a few signs that you might relate to if your relationship is broken:
- Having arguments too often.
- It seems as if you don’t understand each other.
- Your partner has changed a lot in a negative way.
- You can’t find compromises.
- You only notice the negatives.
- There is no trust anymore.
What does it mean to start fresh in a relationship?
Starting fresh in a relationship means to let go of the negative past and focus on new, brighter future. It means that you will be trying to experience something new and you won’t be repeating the same mistakes again.
For example, if you used to constantly nag each other, then you won’t be doing this again anymore, because it’s too toxic for your relationship. You will learn how to find compromises and improve on yourselves.
What you should keep in mind before starting over in a relationship
Before you start over in a relationship, you must identify why the relationship is important for you. What you feel now might be a good indicator how you might feel in the future [1]. This means that if you’re unhappy right now, it’s likely that you will also be unhappy in the future.
What’s the reason that you want to be in a relationship with the same person again?
Is it because you have sentiments?
Is it because you believe you won’t find anyone better?
is it because you believe there’s some miscommunication that can be fairly easily fixed?
There can be a lot of reasons. See, people tend to fear of changes. Letting go of a relationship can be very hard and people prefer to suffer and expect that something positive is going to change.
However, there are red flags that shouldn’t be taken easily, such as physical violence, gaslighting, cursing and blaming your character, and many more. There are signals which indicate it’s time to let go of a relationship.
Keep that in mind before starting over the same relationship.
What matters most in a relationship
Before starting a relationship over again, make sure you both are on the same level (or nearly the same) in these relationship-based variables [2]:
- Conflict.
- Sexual satisfaction.
- Appreciation (being grateful for your partner).
- The commitment of your partner (in a sense: do you want to be in this relationship forever?).
- Perceived partner satisfaction (is he/she happy in a relationship?).
If your and the perception of your partner differs drastically in these areas, it’s a signal that you might be not compatible.
How to start over in a broken relationship
You can only start over a broken relationship if both of you are ready to change, let go of the past, and find compromises. If you’re not willing to change, starting a relationship over will sooner or later end in a tragedy.
While you might be able to keep a relationship even for a few years after starting over a relationship, your patience or your partner’s patience will eventually end. Therefore, you must have faith, trust, and be willing to work in order to save your relationship.
How To Start Over In A Relationship: 20 Life Changing Tips
1. Take your time
When you start over in a relationship remember to do everything correctly. If you instantly try to fix things up, it might not go as you intended.
The reason for that is simple – the emotional buildup is too high and you need to cool down first. It’s a part of human nature to sometimes act based on emotional state. You both might act inadequately and will make things only worse.
Life is never too heavy to pick up where we left off. ~ Curtis Tyrone Jones
Besides, you will have some time to be with your thoughts and to re-evaluate your relationship. You might find that you feel lonely without your partner and you really miss him/her.
It could also be that you feel much lighter, happier and you don’t want to come back into a relationship anymore. Time can really heal the wounds and make your head much clearer.
2. Identify the mistakes of the past
When you are ready to start over in a relationship, the first thing you should do is to identify the bad habits of the past.
What made you both to have most arguments about?
There must be patterns that lead to mistakes. The sooner you recognize them, the better.
It’s completely normal not to nail everything from the first time. Still, the most important aspect is to recognize the mistake and try to avoid it as much as possible.
3. Take it easy
Perhaps one of you is too sensitive and you begin having disagreements over insignificant things?
For example, you shouldn’t start a fight over a simple thing like your partner leaving breadcrumbs on the table. While it can be annoying at times, it’s not the deal breaker of a relationship.
Sometimes the hardest part isn’t letting go but rather learning to start over. ~ Nicole Sobon
You should only be worried about things that really have an impact on relationships, such as not spending much time together, having too little affection, and similar.
4. Don’t blame
It’s fairly easy to shift all the blame to another person. It’s not as easy to talk about yourself.
What you should try doing is say “I” instead of “you”.
For example, “I feel really unappreciated” instead of “you don’t give me enough attention”.
As soon as you start saying “you”, the other person will become defensive. He/she will start fighting back.
By approaching with “I” manner of way, you will make the other person to think about his actions and how he behaves.
5. Create common activities and goals
Shared goals connect people.
That’s especially true if it’s some sort of physical activity, such as playing tennis, cycling, swimming, and whatever else. It creates much stronger bond than just sitting by a table and discussing about things.
Starting over can be challenging, but also it can be a great opportunity to do things differently. ~ Catherine Pulsifer
During the first year of relationship, serotonin levels are steadily decreasing to normal levels [3]. This means the excitement of being in a relationship is fading away.
To reignite it, you must have common goals and something that both of you excite.
6. Master the art of compromising
You will never achieve meaningful things in life if you won’t be willing to compromise. Fresh relationship start can only be done through a compromise.
The thing is, it’s very likely that you won’t find 100 percent fit-it-all answer and solution to your problem that would satisfy both of you.
Learning to be partially okay with a solution is the key not only in relationships, but also in life. You have to find an answer that can fit both of your standards.
In other words, you have to stand for your opinion till a point where it satisfies you but doesn’t hurt your significant-other and satisfies him/her too.
7. Be compassionate and understanding
Having essential communication skills is key in relationships.
See, the problem with communication is that people focus on replying instead of understanding an opinion deeply.
Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning, anyone can start over and make a new ending. ~ Chico Xavier
You need to try put yourself in other person’s shoes. Forget yourself. Think like your significant other would think.
Listen very carefully. Focus on the keywords and look for hints of a ‘hidden message’ which could be between the sentences.
8. Reignite relationship with dating
If you had very little of date nights, you should try it out. They reignite your relationship as if it was a beginning like before.
It’s very important because over time the spark of excitement dies out.
Dating is a part of quality time. While sitting together on a couch is comfy but it becomes mundane and very casual.
Relationships need maintenance, just like a vehicle does. If you won’t schedule a time to check your vehicle, it will break down at the worst time. Similar case happens with relationships.
9. Don’t bring up the past
When starting over a new relationship, remember not to bring up memories of the past. Don’t hold onto events which are still daunting you. You’re having a fresh relationship start, after all.
See, you both will fall into a loop of hurting each other by bringing up the past. While past events might really hurt, but it’s a crucial step to let them go.
The concept and idea of who someone is may not be who they really are. Fall in love with fresh new eyes. ~ Sevin Philips
Your mind will never find ease if you will hold on to the past. To be fair, I’ve grown up in a family that was always holding onto the negative past.
It’s definitely unfortunate that such events happen, but it’s important not to have a mindset of a victim. You have to move forward in life and embrace new experiences.
10. Focus on positivity
Did you know that on average people divorce after 16.2 years of marriage because lack of positiveness during conflicts [4]?
The problem is that negative thoughts lead to negative actions and negative talks.
Remember to always have a positive insight and let your partner know his/her positive character traits. Your significant other will feel appreciated in that way.
Even if you have a fierce conflict, inserting a small compliment of your partner can really ease the whole situation. This by no means imply that you’re surrendering in an argument. It’s actually the opposite – you gain an advantage by making yourself look a better person in front of your partner’s eyes.
11. Become a better person
After finding a compromise between both of you, you should focus on bettering yourself for the sake of your significant other.
I hope that the compromise you’ve concluded affects you positively. Otherwise, it’s not a compromise.
If someone is too perfect they won't look good. Imperfection is important. ~ Eric Cantona
For example, if you have to get rid of your best friend because you spend too much time together, then it’s certainly not a compromise. That crosses the border line.
So, after finding an appropriate consensus, it’s important to keep the promise.
Relationships are built on trust and not on empty words.
12. Appreciate the little things
I have to admit – I had a wrong belief about relationships and it feels awkward. I had an idea that relationships are essentially built on “big things”.
By saying ‘big things’, I mean by spending quality time together on vacations, taking your significant other to restaurants, going together to aqua parks, having air balloon flights, etc.
I couldn’t have been more wrong.
While aforementioned activities are very fun and important for most of relationships, having ‘big activities’ are not the main element of relationships.
The main key what makes a successful relationship is by noticing something small about your partner and showing it – complimenting, hugging, kissing, making a cup of coffee/tea, holding hands together, having a good laugh, and just finding ‘that’ bond together.
You simply can’t wait for weeks or months for something ‘big’ to happen. You need to show affection everyday and enjoy the presence of each other.
That’s the key to a successful relationship.
13. Support each other
You don’t have to live by the same dreams, but you have to support each other.
For example, if your partner’s dream is open a business and you simply prefer to work for someone, you should still support your partner.
A relationship requires a lot of work and commitment. ~ Greta Scacchi
When a person tries to cope with obstacles alone, he will start feeling lonesome.
The point of a relationship is to form a team. If one of you is steering a wheel, the other one has to be supportive and assure that everything will be okay.
14. Set boundaries and rules
Setting boundaries is important to prevent suffering. By saying that, I mean that if the same groundbreaking problem which made the relationship fall apart comes up again, you simply need to leave.
It only proves that the history has the tendency to repeat itself.
Of course, before starting over in a relationship you have to discuss and make it clear that this problem shouldn’t occur anymore. If it does, you have to move on.
15. Relationship is a choice
If you have shattered to pieces and you’re still willing to give your relationship a chance, that’s fine.
See, you need to give a chance to restart everything. Nonetheless, you need to approach this time from a different angle.
You need to have more trust in each other. You need to strengthen the bond.
Happiness is a choice, so is the relationship. If you truly want it to work out, you need to put some effort.
Relationships are similar to a fireplace that constantly needs wood to keep going. The moment you stop nourishing your fireplace, the flame will die out.
So, if both of you are devoted, the relationship will definitely work out. All you have to do is to keep maintaining it and trust the process.
16. Don’t involve your acquaintances or friends
The most important reason why you shouldn’t involve any of your acquaintances into your relationship problems is because of trust.
If your partner will find out that you’re trusting someone else’s opinion more and you’re trying to find a workaround, he/she will feel betrayed.
All in all, relationships are very intimate and should be solved internally. Nobody else knows your situation better than you two (except for a couple’s counselor).
See, your friends would also give you a lot of conflicting opinions. In the end, you’d get even more lost. If you really want to get a solid piece of advice, you should try couples counselling.
17. Focus on freshening up the relationship
Trying out something new always brings a sense of excitement.
That’s why you should spice up your relationship with new activities. If you used to go only for short walks, try having road trips.
If you used to go only to cafes, try going to a gourmet restaurant.
The greatest mistake we make is living in constant fear that we will make one. ~ John C. Maxwell
Don’t hesitate and try something new. It brings excitement and it sparks the fire which you need so much. Seeing that smile, having a good laugh, or just genuinely feeling excited is all you need to start over in a relationship.
18. Don’t be too overly defensive
A lot of conflicts are spiced up when you’re acting very defensive. So, the next time you will have a disagreement (it’s inevitable), avoid being too defensive.
When you’re acting defensive, you might start talking lies or shift the blame on your partner. Being overly defensive only pours more fuel into a fire.
Even if you believe there’s nothing wrong with you during an argument, you should still try to identify some points. The truth is, we all can improve.
Perhaps when you are having a disagreement you can give some real examples? Perhaps you can talk in a calmer way? Maybe you can try having more self-control and talk less based on emotions?
There are plenty of ways you can improve. Similarly, it’s important that your partner does the same. Remember that relationships are made of two people that contribute equal parts.
19. Be concise and precise
When starting a relationship over, avoid talking about the same points over and over again. It closes you in a loop and it can trigger a wilder disagreement.
Communication is key to every successful relationship. It’s a doorway in conveying the correct message.
Trust is the fruit on a relationship in which you know you are loved. ~ William Paul Young
Try to explain your point in two sentences maximum. If you can’t do it, you don’t understand it well enough yourself.
If you lack skills in concentrating a message, practice beforehand. Try to say that in your mind and see if you can explain it.
Precision ensures the success at getting correct and desired results.
20. Couples counselling
While your situation is individual, an expert will always have more knowledge how to behave better. That’s because of the long years of accumulated experience.
Besides, a third party will have more insights and sees the situation freshly and objectively. While some obstacles may seem unbeatable for both of you, an expert might navigate through your problems and find the best solution for both of you.
A lot of relationships have been saved in such way. You can also take care of what matters to you and invest into your happiness.
How to start over in a relationship when you live together
Give yourself some time and space if you live together. Starting over a relationship while living in the same cubicle can be quite hard.
Have a walk on your own in a park, nature, or somewhere else where you like. The point of giving space to yourself is to clear your head from everything.
Therefore, don’t think about the problem at that moment. Focus on the environment and your surroundings.
If your thoughts will focus the grudge, you won’t manage to save the relationship. Remember – negative thoughts are like a magnet and it attracts negative consequences. You need to approach the situation positively and both of you should be willing to make a change.
How to start over in a relationship after cheating
If you’ve been cheated on, there’s no way back. You can’t start over in a relationship with such person. There will never be the same amount of trust as before.
Besides, you will always remember that for the rest of your life. This memory will daunt you forever.
To love is nothing. To be loved is something. But to love and be loved, that’s everything. ~ T. Tolis
Regardless, you deserve better. You deserve a person that respects your feelings and loves you unconditionally.
It hurts enormously after finding out you’ve been cheated on, I know. You have to overcome this period.
You will find a better person than your previous partner, there’s no doubt about that.
Final Words From Delightful Mindset
Starting over a relationship can be challenging. The most important thing is that both of you are willing to change for the better and find compromises.
Remember that if you will start over a relationship without changing anything, the past will repeat itself. You will get hurt once again and it will be a waste of time in the end.
Keep in mind that there are some red flags, such as physical abuse, which should not be tolerated. In such scenario, you can’t continue a relationship.
Regardless, I hope that your partner is passionate about you and is willing to make the relationship happen. You deserve to be happy.
- A Landmark Study shows what Makes a Successful Relationship. [viewed Nov 22, 2021]. Available from:https://www.cnn.com/2020/07/29/us/what-makes-a-relationship-successful-study-wellness-trnd/index.html.
- Landmark study on 11,196 couples pinpoints what dating apps get so wrong. [viewed Nov 22, 2021]. Available from: https://www.inverse.com/mind-body/dating-study-predicts-happy-relationships
- The Harvard Gazette. When love and science double date. [viewed Nov 22, 2021]. Available from:https://news.harvard.edu/gazette/story/2018/02/scientists-find-a-few-surprises-in-their-study-of-love/
- The Gottman Institute. Marriage and couples [viewed Nov 22, 2021]. Available from: https://www.gottman.com/about/research/couples/