Every situation has a silver lining – discover a mindset that heals and enlightens.
November 4, 2021 · 9 min read
The best and most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even heard, but must be felt with the heart. ~ Helen Keller
Your husband thinks he does nothing wrong. He always acts like he’s the right one all the time.
It almost feels as it’s always your fault why arguments start because you are unsatisfied of the relationship and bring up the discussion.
See, me and my wife had the same problems at the beginning of our relationship. We had to go through this situation.
Me and my wife were both hurt. I hated seeing her disappointed, angry, frustrated, and hopeless.
What could be better than hearing out the opinion of a man that has been the problem the whole time? We’ve managed to find solutions and fixed that problem successfully.
Your husband either consciously or subconsciously hides his insecurities, low self-esteem, and tries to be dominant in the relationship.
It’s a common trait of men when they try to be never wrong and show their knowledge. In reality, they often don’t see how they look from other perspective.
If only your husband knew how he looks from your or his work colleagues points of view, chances are he would consider changing. Behaving like that is immature, childish, and doesn’t add respect points at all.
The first step is to find the root cause of a problem. You have to analyze deeply why your husband thinks he does nothing wrong. The reasons can wildly differ from situation to situation.
While some men might have fragile ego, some other men might want to feel always under control. It could be also that it’s their only way to validate their self-worth by not being wrong.
Love is composed of a single soul inhabiting two bodies. ~ Aristotle
When you speak up your mind, you show your perspective. However, on his side he will see an attack. He will see you lecturing and his mind either will shut off, or he will feel frustrated.
The more you force and show his imperfections, the more he will think that you are trying to hurt and nag him. It’s a natural defense instinct. Then, he will bring up his own guns and you’ll have an argument… Once again. He will feel resilient towards you.
Here I provide solutions to every situation based on how your husband reacts and behaves. There are general rules how you should behave, but ultimately everything falls down to personal situations.
Almost all people dislike being criticized. However, some people just can’t take it. Your husband thinks he does nothing wrong and he’ll start denying it. He knows he has low self-esteem but tries to hide it.
Ego is not the same as confidence or high-esteem. Ego is just a way to justify one’s worth through pink glasses. He’ll create his own defense aura. It’s almost like pretending as if you’re good at playing guitar buy you’ve played it only a few times.
A fragile ego occurs because of lack of self-esteem. That’s the main problem.
You should definitely approach the situation with a different angle. Confronting that your husband has a fragile ego will 99 percent result in another argument. He will start defending himself.
Instead, try to understand his situation and point of view. Let him speak and pour his emotions. See if his points are valid and what makes him feel that way.
The most ideal consensus is to find a common ground between your both feelings. Marriage and relationships are always a two-sided game, and not one-sided. Both of your wishes have to be fulfilled.
Make sure you both are on the same page and can satisfy desires of each other.
The main reason to play a victim is to control and influence your thoughts and actions. Your husband makes you feel bad about yourself.
It’s a form to seek attention or justify his point of view by making you feel worse.
You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly. ~ Sam Keen
The solution wildly depends on the situation. Nevertheless, as a general rule of thumb, a victim will never admit he’s wrong.
That’s why you need to validate their opinion: “I understand what you are trying to say”. It doesn’t mean that you have to agree with it. Just by validating it will make the situation cool down a bit.
If you will say that he’s playing a victim, it will only put gasoline in the fire. It will become bigger. You will never find a solution to your problem.
What I’d suggest trying to say is (in a calm speaking tone!): “I understand what you are trying to say. If we faced other circumstances, what would you like to see happening? Would you still stand up for your opinion even if the situation is uneven and unfair at times?”
Or say this: “Regardless of the situation, how do you want to be perceived as in life? Even if there were worst circumstances, how do you want to be known as?”
This is more of a specific situation, but it’s important to touch this topic.
If this phenomenon happens in your relationship, it means that you are taken for granted and feeling not as important. You’re not the first priority.
Having dates, even if you are married, is especially important. Such acts strengthen the bond and gives a fresh breath to the relationship.
If your husband thinks he does nothing wrong and he’s sure everything is fine, you must touch this topic.
Speak about it. Let him know how you feel. As much as you’d like to say “I want to feel treated right. If you won’t do it, I’ll find someone else who will do it”, such statement may bring resentment towards you. It will feel as ultimatum from his point of view.
Instead, tell that you want to do something more exciting. It doesn’t have to be necessarily something big, like going on holidays abroad. Tell him that anything small, like going to a restaurant, having a walk, doing what you like, is completely enough.
See how he reacts. He has only two options here:
If it’s the second option, your only choice before the worst decision (breaking up) is marriage counseling.
People hardly ever change, but such change doesn’t require too much of a personality shift. You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy.
If you face this problem, chances are that your self-esteem suffers. This situation makes you to devalue your intellect and importance in the relationship.
The relationship becomes dominant and abusive from his side. The thing is, it’s impossible to always be right. It doesn’t matter if he has 200 IQ. He may be academically smart, but not emotionally or societal smart. You’d still have a lot of contribution to make in a relationship.
Identify areas where you excel. There must be some. Focus on being expert in those areas. Read and be more interested in those areas. You will eventually catch up and will prove yourself.
Regardless, try to also validate his thoughts. Look for statistical data. Look for scientific data. Look for any kind of reliable source of information to validate or to deny his thoughts.
Anyways, if he’s so smart and always knows things better, challenge him to be more sensitive from your point of view and be more understanding and kind.
If he’s still stubborn about your feelings, he might’ve just lost a battle against himself and falsely assumes he’s smarter than you.
Does your husband love you? Does he show you affection (sex doesn’t count) in some way? If so, it’s not lost.
Actions speak louder than words. Just because he says he loves you doesn’t necessarily mean so. You have to identify if he truly shows you affection in other ways.
Nevertheless, you still need to spend some quality time together.
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. ~ Mignon McLaughlin
Marriage is a two-sided partnership. Find the common ground. That means both of you have to adjust to each other. He has to adjust to your needs, and you also have to adjust to his needs.
However, make sure these needs don’t bother both of you to a point where they are a burden. So, if your husband wants to stay at home, spend one day in the weekend being at home. Then, the next day of the weekend you both should spend time doing something together.
Make sure you’re not the only one planning the activities. Your husband also has to contribute and plan something to adjust to your needs and happiness.
See, if your husband never admits he’s wrong or never apologizes, he’s too ignorant for that. Even the smartest people make mistakes and are wrong. Besides, the only way to improve ourselves is through mistakes.
The ones that don’t ever make mistakes (according to themselves) ironically are the ones that make the most mistakes.
It’s a tough one because it has to do a lot with ignorance. It’s even worse if he ignores you. Regardless, it’s a sign of a narcissist.
The only way to prove him wrong is to include statistics and scientific facts into your discussion.
Also, make sure to let him know how you feel about it. Make sure to tell him that it makes you feel upset and sad.
If he’s too ignorant for that, then… Oh well. He will never change and will always stay stubborn. Relationships should never be one-sided. To be fair, you deserve better than that.
Look, if a person doesn’t understand your feelings and needs, that’s a very, very bad sign. This can mean that:
A true relationship is supportive, loving, kind. At this stage, it’s not something that you deserve.
To know when to go away and when to come closer is the key to any lasting relationship. ~ Doménico Cieri Estrada
The only valid way to approach this problem is to speak up and tell him that you feel always misunderstand and not appreciated. Your feelings aren’t a priority and that you need a change immediately.
Make sure to ask him how he feels about that. What does he think about you not being appreciated and understood? Ask him what he’s willing to do to change that.
However, if it happens that you also don’t understand him, then it’s sad to say but it’s game over. You’re too incompatible for each other. You can of course still try, but it may result in a lot of time and tears wasted.
If you face this problem, it means once again you are not appreciated. He doesn’t feel the need to give back and be grateful for what you provide him.
If it reminds you a mum-son relationship, it has to stop immediately.
There are two things you can do. The first one, you may’ve guessed it, is to have a conversation about it. Try to understand and ask him why he behaves like that. What is the root cause behind that?
Remember not to pour your emotions into a discussion. Don’t spill gasoline into your conversation because a spark is already here. You don’t want to make a fire.
The second thing you can do is this: if he’s too ignorant not to do anything, make a list of chores or something that both of you would be responsible of. That will make obligations and you will surely have to stick to that. For example, one day you will do the dishes, the other day he will do the dishes.
If the problem persists and he still does nothing, you should do nothing too. See how he reacts. Perhaps his ignorance will soon be exposed to the sunlight by himself.
If your husband thinks that women have to do all chores, do all the household work, take care of the kids, while he does nothing, a discussion must be set right away.
It’s 21st century. We don’t live in medieval ages anymore. Being a man doesn’t make him more privileged not to do anything than a woman. We are all people that have feelings and limits.
To get the full value of joy, you must have someone to divide it with. ~ Mark Twain
Speak with your husband that you are too tired to do all the chores alone. Let him know that you feel like you’re contributing more than him.
Just in case he says something along the lines “But I bring more money! Isn’t that enough? Don’t you appreciate that?”, it’s a big red flag.
Look, relationships have nothing to do in common with money. Relationships involve feelings and equality of two people. It’s not money business. It’s the opposite – it’s all about happiness and finding common ground.
It’s a childish approach to avoid a subject he doesn’t like to speak about. It’s a sign of immaturity and similar to avoiding obligations and responsibilities.
Mature people have to find the solution to the problem and suck it up even if they don’t like to hear the words of truth.
Redirect the topic back and calmly let him know that you are still not finished. You want to hear his input about the related topic.
Observe his reactions. Sometimes people simply space out and don’t even notice how they changed the topic. If it’s that the case, it’s not that bad.
However, see if that happens when he’s talking to other people too. If you see similar patterns, your husband have very limited chances to change.
If your husband thinks he does nothing wrong when he turns everything around you, then oh boy, we have a problem.
Your husband tends to turn everything around you because deep down he knows he’s wrong. He doesn’t have anything to say and uses this tactic to strike you back.
This is a sign of gaslighting. It’s a manipulative method to make other person feel confused and make you question the reality.
You start feeling like it’s your fault, you don’t know what’s real and what’s not. In the end you might feel plainly stupid.
Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~ Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
If he really respects your feelings, he will stop it. Again, it’s a sign of ignorance and prioritizing his own feelings over yours.
You have to bring up this topic and ask him why he’s trying to turn the topic around you when you’re talking about him. Understand his feelings and his position.
It’s a shame that we fall in love with people without knowing what they are hiding. Nevertheless, let him know that this behavior makes you feel hurt and that you need a change in his behavior immediately.
While he might not acknowledge it, it’s fairly easy to notice the patterns of such behavior. Try to ask more about his relationships with mom or look for patterns when you’re back visiting his mom.
Lack of independence resulted in such behavior. Now he sees that everyone should take care of him and that nothing’s wrong with that.
Essentially, you need your husband to be able to take care of himself. You don’t have to iron his shirts, make him food, clean the house all the time. If your husband thinks he does nothing wrong, he’s just wrong.
Encourage him to join you when cleaning up or making meals. Do things together if he doesn’t feel like doing it alone.
Ultimately, let him know that you need support and you also want to spend time for yourself like he spends time for himself too.
Your husband thinks he does nothing wrong, but the reality is that he’s taking you for granted and believes that this pattern can last forever.
If you are in a relationship, it doesn’t mean that he can treat you however he wants. He doesn’t have the right to treat you worse, especially when you’re supposed to be his most important person.
Speak straightforward. Give him an example when he’s mean to you and ask why’s that. Again, try to do that in a calm way. Don’t do it in an attacking manner.
Thing is, men can be completely ignorant about this behavior without them realizing it. Nonetheless, it’s not an excuse for being mean to you.
Mood is highly contagious. When another person is happy, you’re more likely to be happy too. When the other person is negative, you are more likely to be sad and upset about such view.
Regardless, the problem can be more serious and may show signs of depression, stress, or anxiety.
Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love. ~ Albert Einstein
Your husband feels lonely and lacks support. Ask him if something is on his mind that doesn’t give peace of mind.
In most cases, all he needs is support. You have to let him know if he needs anything, you’ll be right here. The thing is, men feel more masculine when they can cope with their problem alone. It boosts their self-esteem.
If the problem persists, you have to interfere. You either have to help him and give your perspective or find a therapist.
Like always, there are exceptions. If you feel like you know your husband well and he needs actual help and advice when you notice the first signs of negativity, stay with him and try to find solutions.
Men are straightforward. Sometimes they can’t understand things until you explain them clear.
Men really dislike when women say something along the lines: “Figure out that yourself”, or “You should’ve known this by now”.
Thing is, men are clueless. It’s really hard for them to connect the dots and understand what you’re trying to say if you’re not straightforward about it.
Make sure you are giving clear, short, concise message. Don’t just drop hints and clues for him to figure out himself. If you say “What a lovely sunny day”, he might not understand that you’re implying to go out today. Instead, let him know “It’s a beautiful day. We have to go outdoors. What do you think?”
Regardless, both of you or at least your husband needs to learn effective communication skills.
This is controlling and coercive behaviour which again makes you feel bad about yourself and left misunderstood.
We all have bad days. If it happened once, it’s not the biggest deal. Everyone makes mistakes. If it happens periodically, it’s a sign of chronical manipulative behaviour.
The emotion that can break your heart is sometimes the very one that heals it. ~ Nicholas Sparks
Ask him if something upsetting happened on that particular day. Did something go wrong in his work? Did his friends say something? Perhaps some thoughts can’t give with peace of mind?
While a therapist may be more knowledgeable how to exactly behave in this situation, you should both try to understand where the main cause comes from first.
Certainly, this problem can’t come from you if you did nothing wrong. If he still accuses you, he certainly needs professional help to stop this cycle of madness.
If your husband suddenly stopped speaking to you and even avoid you, you need to assess the problem together. It’s not only his problem. It’s a problem that both of you share.
When you do everything for your husband and he does nothing for you (not even speak with you!), it’s time to solve this problem. Communication problems can eventually destroy lives.
Not speaking can signal a lot of problems. One particular situation that I know was when a man didn’t speak because the payment of a house had risen up. He was stressed and he wanted to protect his wife from this information.
Eventually it led to a divorce because he was too concerned about the future.
The lesson from this story is that you must both communicate and solve the problems. While some problems are in your power to manage, the other ones are out of your control. Nevertheless, communication is key in relationships.
If your husband thinks he does nothing wrong when he threatens you so carelessly, he’s absolutely ignorant. It’s also emotional bullying which shouldn’t be tolerated.
The truth is that’s a sign of immaturity and insecurity. People that can’t solve problems through discussions are not worthy of respect.
They break the essential part of the relationships – trust. You can’t trust a man that’s not committed to a relationship that can freely say “I’ll leave you”.
Love is a two-way street constantly under construction. ~ Carroll Bryant
Often, it’s the ego that leads them to say “I’ll leave you”. They are saying first before you can say it so that they’d feel like they have more control over you.
He’s scared that you won’t like him the way he truly is. He’s a narcissist that has a very fragile ego and his emotional intelligence is fairly low.
Ask him in a calm manner what makes him say such words. Why does he prefer a break-up over a discussion about whatever bothers him? What does he expect from you to do differently?
You will both need to change. He will have to stop threatening you and you will have to adjust to what’s bothering him.
Regardless, it’s emotional blackmail and you don’t deserve it. The most appropriate way to solve this problem would be counseling or just to move forward in life, because there doesn’t seem to be respect in this relationship.
There could be a few reasons to why he doesn’t consider your opinion:
See, your husband thinks he does nothing wrong because he thinks it’s obvious that your opinion doesn’t have any significance and that you understand that yourself.
Ask him why he doesn’t care about your opinion.
Is it because he feels like you don’t have any competence in it?
Or is it because he wants to be dominant in a relationship and take care of everything?
Or maybe he doesn’t like the way you think and both of your thoughts don’t have a common ground?
While the reason for not considering your opinion can be something very simple, it can also be very difficult to solve. It depends on what your husband thinks about it.
Let’s try not to assume any affairs or that he doesn’t love you anymore.
A common reason for ignoring is that men tend to focus on one thing. While women can focus on 3 things at the time, a man can usually do only one.
Especially if you are interrupting in something that he finds very important, for example, work, his favorite team playing on TV, etc., he will most likely be cold and ignoring.
However, when you do everything for your husband and he does nothing for you, it can be a sign of ineffective communication.
The joy of life is variety; the tenderest love requires to be rekindled by intervals of absence. ~ Samuel Johnson
If he’s really focused on something, leave him alone. Let him do his thing and after he’s finished, then you can talk. Interrupting will only irritate him and make him feel resentment towards you.
On the other hand, if he’s constantly ignoring you, you have to talk about this. Let him kindly know that you don’t like that he acts cold and not caring. You want more of a sensitive side from him.
Living with a perfectionist leads to constant nagging. You do everything for your husband and he does nothing for you.
All he does is point your flaws. As a result, he might lead you on.
There are two options.
The first one is to see his nagging as a way to improve yourself and become a better person. This is only applicable if his points are valid and is based on constructive criticism.
However, the atmosphere of growth must be accepting and caring. If the environment is very cold, full of cursing, harsh, and hurtful statements, then it’s not acceptable.
This leads me to option two. Try talking about the occurring problem and how to make his perfectionism not so obsessive. The roots of perfectionism comes from insecurity. He tries to justify his self worth through making everything just right.
Therefore, let him know that you don’t need him to be perfect. You love him just the way he is. Imperfections are signs of a normal and a healthy person.
Anger comes from somewhere. That’s why you have to figure out where this anger comes from.
Not only anger problems affect him, but they also affect you. Nevertheless, he still thinks that he does nothing wrong.
The only thing we never get enough of is love; and the only thing we never give enough of is love. ~ Henry Miller
Try to be empathetic and figure out together why such behaviour occurs. Does it come from his childhood? Perhaps he is short tempered and should work on it?
Sometimes minor anger is justified. Perhaps he is already waiting for you for half an hour when you said you will be ready to go out in 5 minutes? It could be that irritation is justified (but not real anger!).
Regardless, you shouldn’t become a victim of his devastating forces. You have all the rights to leave the room and not to cope with his anger.
He probably sees life as unfair and easily gets offended and disappointed. He blames everyone except himself.
Ideally, he should see a therapist so you wouldn’t suffer from his anger issues.
People feel unappreciated when their actions are not being respected. For example, if your husband does a lot of dishes, he might think that he does more than you do.
However, it can also be that he thinks it’s enough to do dishes once a week and he automatically assumes that he does more than you.
Our mind is a tricky place and it can play games on us. We might totally underestimate or overestimate how much we actually contribute to a relationship and harmonious relationship.
Both of you have to accept that it will be hard to determine who does what more. Of course, unless it’s very obvious, it can be distinguished but there’s almost no point in doing that.
Instead, have a plan who will be responsible for what. Divide the chores, divide the tasks, schedule them accordingly and evenly. In this way, everyone will be satisfied and happy.
We all stumble and make mistakes. Your husband thinks he does nothing wrong usually because the problem is not clearly pointed out. Your husband needs very clear and concise example of what he does wrong and how it makes you feel.
Remember to always stay calm and don’t interfere with your emotions when having a conversation. I fully agree that it can be frustrating, irritating, and everything else, but you must try to stay as calm as possible.
Emotions are highly contagious and it will become a link of negative actions if you both let yourself fall into negative feelings.
The most important thing is proper communication. If some problems are out of your scope, try therapist or marriage counselor.