Every situation has a silver lining – discover a mindset that heals and enlightens.
November 8, 2021 · 9 min read
Once you stop looking for what you want, you find what you need. ~ Horace Cope
“Why does he keep me around when he doesn’t want a relationship?”
“Am I any special or is he seeking for any benefits from me?”
See, men are primitive. I’m talking from a perspective of a man as a man myself. While I’m not exactly the same type of guy that you will visualize in this article, but I still get the idea behind the psychology of such man.
There can be a few variables involved as why your man is keeping you in a relationship. The problem can not only be directly associated with him, but it can be that you’re a contribution to this reason as well.
I’m not going to give you primitive examples, theories, and wrap you around a finger like I’ve seen in other articles. I will give you practical examples as to why he’s keeping you around.
Let me explain how this phenomenon happens. First, let’s break down the basics.
I’ve also have one final tip at the end of the article if nothing helps.
Here I provide a few signs that you might relate to if you really feel that your boyfriend doesn’t seek a romantic relationship with you:
The primary intention why he keeps you around is because he wants benefits out of your friendship. Whether it’s emotional support, pleasing sexual desires, he wants it.
Such behavior is manipulative and you must recognize it as fast as possible. Don’t let anyone use you for their own benefits.
You'll never find the right person if you can't let go of the wrong one. ~ Heywood U. Cuddleme
The second generalized reason is that he’s just unsure about the relationship. He might not find you attractive, he doesn’t like your personality, or perhaps he simply doesn’t have any relationship experience and finds it hard to navigate through your friendship.
Either way, I’ll be presenting more reasons why he keeps you around.
Look, it could be that you’re creating false perceptions in your mind. Our mind has the power and ability to play tricks on us.
Only facts can truly speak louder than words and thoughts. If you’re completely sure that he doesn’t love you and just stays for some particular reason, then great! This article is completely dedicated for you.
On the other hand, if that’s only your speculation, then you really need to assess the situation further. It’s easy to get deceived by your mind. It is developed to create vivid situations and make us think negatively.
We tend to interpret thoughts without validating them. This is the one of the main reasons why we fail to judge the thoughts correctly. We use too little of critical thinking and act more based on feelings.
If you really think about it, a lot of people are negative in life. We tend to think about the worst situations and speculate “What if?..”
Don’t be worried! It’s completely normal to fall in such thoughts. We are humans after all. We are conscious creatures that are thinking of a lot of variables in our life.
So, if you’re sure that he truly keeps you around if he doesn’t what a relationship with you, here I provide some reasons that may indicate the occurring problem.
The sooner you realize that if you love him while he doesn’t show any proper affection, the better.
Relationships are made of two people that feel exactly the same about each other. While there are a lot of different forms of love, they still have to be shown in some sort of way.
Naturally, men tend to be colder. Their love can occur through different ways, such as:
Love of men don’t necessarily come from hugs, kisses, constantly saying that he loves you, and he can’t live without you.
So, make sure that your man doesn’t show affection and love through other different ways before judging him critically.
On the other hand, if you notice him acting suspicious, hiding phone from you all the time, it may signal that he’s hiding something from you and keeps you for his own benefits.
It’s fairly easy to test a guy whether he’s into you. If he can’t pass a simple test and keeps on making excuses, it truly means he keeps you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
It’s fairly easy to test a guy whether he’s into you. If he can’t pass a simple test and keeps on making excuses, it truly means he keeps you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship with you.
Love isn't finding someone to live with. It's finding someone you can't live without. ~ Al E. Gater
If he’s not committed to you, he looks at you as plan B. Men are primitive and like to feel secure.
For this sole purpose he’s keeping you around even when he doesn’t want a relationship. He speculates that perhaps he won’t find anyone better and then you will be his plan B.
However, if that’s truly the case, he will never feel like he absolutely loves you. It can signal that he will be looking for someone better than you are constantly. You will never be able to feel safe.
To put it simply, he wants sex. It’s better to have someone than nobody. At least that’s what he thinks.
One day, someone will walk into your life and make you see why it never worked out with anyone else. ~ Chester Minnit
Sex is just a form of pleasure. While it definitely can be precursor for romantic feelings, it’s not something that you should rely on.
True love comes from affection, support, romance. It shouldn’t come only from sexual intercourse. That’s too unreliable. Besides, if that’s how he feels affection, it means he will feel affection to other women too. If he will find someone prettier than you, he won’t stay with you for too long.
He might’ve noticed that there’s a big gap between you in terms of your life values. While you might be ambitious and seeking for a good financial stability, he might be minimalist and be okay with mediocre life.
Or it could be that while you want kids, he wants none (or vice versa). Children are very important part of relationships and can dictate how your affairs will continue from there on.
Therefore, there can be countless of differences in mutual values. Try to analyze whether your values differ too much.
It’s inevitable to meet some sly people. They can play a lot of tricks on your mind and manipulate you in a lot of ways.
Someday, you will look back and know exactly why it had to happen. ~ Brighton Early
In other words, he’s just simply bored or feeling adventurous. He wants to apply different communication strategies with you and see how you will react.
Regardless, if you notice something strange and very unnatural, it can be exactly this case you’re experiencing. He simply doesn’t respect your feelings and thinks of you as a toy.
He keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship because he won’t find such great emotional support anywhere other than you. While he doesn’t want a relationship, he still partially trusts you and opens himself.
Nonetheless, this can be emotionally exhausting on your part. Listening to his whining and blaming someone else constantly will take a toll on your mental health.
If he’s truly not serious about a relationship, you should stop wasting your emotional energy and end the relationship asap.
If you don’t have established a good communication between you two, he might be not entirely sure if you also want a relationship. This makes him to act colder than if he knew that you want a relationship.
You attract the right things when you have a sense of who you are. ~ Amy Poehler
Men need clear, straight signs. If you give him hints that you are ready for relationships, he might misinterpret that in other way and don’t understand what you’re trying to say.
Therefore, make sure that your communication is effective and not confusing.
The only place he might get tenderness is from his mom. But that’s probably not feasible as he’s not a kid anymore.
That’s why he keeps you around if he doesn’t want a relationship. He needs tenderness and softness from you.
While he doesn’t feel a deep connection, he appreciates your gentleness and keeps you for that particular reason.
Another reason why he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship is because he’s completely clueless what he’s doing. He’s just experimenting his way through and doesn’t know what exactly he wants himself.
The other thing could be that he doesn’t know how to properly behave in a relationship. He might come as childish and goofy.
If that’s the case, you either have two options: stay patient and “grow him” or leave him and seek for more mature relationships.
If you will choose to “grow him”, be aware that he hasn’t explored the world of relationships and might feel the need for ‘adventures’. He might be unstable and want to get out of a relationship to explore more people.
He might not realize that he has impatience issues and never connects with people emotionally. Some men are too unstable and are switching things up constantly.
Love does not care to define and is never in a hurry to do so. ~ Charles du Bos
This doesn’t let him to develop attachment towards you and he believes that it’s just the way it is and you’re not meant for each other.
To be fair, it’s for the best for you too. You don’t want to be in a relationship with unstable person that has emotional connection issues. You definitely deserve to be fully loved and appreciated.
He keeps you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship because you don’t interest him anymore. Still, he keeps you as a plan B and perhaps for other benefits that you give to him.
If he’s very active and can’t keep focus, he will constantly need stimulus to keep him entertained. Nonetheless, if you aren’t enough for him, that’s good. Just keep moving forward. You shouldn’t become his toy and entertainer.
Love comes from mutual feelings and interests. You are not a puppet and you don’t deserve to be manipulated or change your personality and become a fraud of yourself. That’s the last thing you want to do.
Some men are plainly childish and avoid serious talks like a nightmare. It’s a sign of immaturity and inability to be responsible for his own thoughts and actions.
We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love. ~ Tom Robbins
If he’s constantly changing the topic or treating a topic of relationships with humor, he’s too childish for you. He’s not ready for serious relationships.
Don’t waste your time and move on. You don’t have to grow a child and wait for him to mature up.
He’s doubting. He keeps you around even if he doesn’t want a relationship because he feels inferior to you.
While he might like you from his depths of heart, he doesn’t like you from his mind perspective.
His ego is hurt and he feels that he’s too stupid for you. His self-esteem is too damaged and he doesn’t want to be in a relationship someone like you.
This is a common problem for women that are incredibly smart. Men are afraid of you like a plague. But you know, it’s for your own good.
That’s because such men will always rely on their ego than on their brains. They will always suffer from egomania. They won’t accept their mistakes and try to prove you wrong through every possible way, even gaslighting.
See, as harsh as it may sound, he doesn’t feel physical affection to you. He might like your personality, but you simply don’t attract him. Men tend to fall in love from physical appearance point of view.
I’ve been in this situation as well. I’ve had a handful number of dates and while some women were incredibly smart, humorous, very easy to talk with, they didn’t appeal me. I was disappointed in myself.
Maybe love is like luck. You have to go all the way to find it. ~ Robert Mitchum
But just to confirm, you’re pretty the way you are. Everyone is unique and you’re truly amazing, even if you don’t think you’re beautiful. You will find someone eventually that will find you the prettiest woman on Earth.
You know, it’s better to recognize it as soon as possible than to doubt yourself for years and then to divorce. A lot less tears will be wasted and your heart won’t be as broken as after breaking up after a few years of an established relationship.
Some men are too kind and don’t want to hurt you. They don’t want a relationship but want to see you because they still find you interesting to be with.
Such men might give different signals:
Regardless, he will avoid talking about relationships and maintain a friendly distance. Such relationships will likely lead nowhere and you need to distinguish first signs as soon as possible.
In our modern age a lot of people tend to prioritize their careers first. So, one of the reasons he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship is that he needs to settle down with his career or any of his big goals.
Another reason could be that you simply don’t meet up his ‘standards’. He’s overly perfectionist and is wearing pink glasses. He doesn’t know how life works.
In other words, he’s looking for the “chosen one”. The truth is that he will never find one. See, even if he did, it doesn’t necessarily mean that he meets the standard of his perfect woman’s standards.
It just becomes a perpetual loop of nothingness. Regardless, it’s an unhealthy outlook to the world and he will be constantly hurting himself and others.
If he’s not willing to change his perspective, you need to move on.
Have you seen when children don’t want to share their toys with other children even if they don’t really like them?
Yes, that’s exactly the case right here. He might not be completely into you, but he’s not willing to share you with someone else.
He’s simply too selfish and probably gets some kind of benefits out of you. You don’t deserve to be with someone that is insecure about you and himself. You need a better person than that.
He keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship because you do majority of things for him. For example, you might make him meals, plan the trips, dates, perhaps even iron his clothes, etc.
He finds that very convenient. Who doesn’t, after all?
This is very simple reason, but enough for some people to say in a friendship zone to get the benefits out of you.
After all, you should care less about others and live for yourself.
If you’re in early stages of dating, it’s very likely that he doesn’t restrict himself only with you. He wants to see what other types of fish in the sea are.
What we find changes who we become. ~ Carl Ewald
If he’s dating other people when you’re already dating for more than a month or two, then… It’s a big red flag.
While you might be nearly perfect to his ‘standards’, he doesn’t lose hope to actually find the perfect woman of his life. Or he’s simply seeking to pleasure his flirtatious and sexual desires with someone else.
Unfortunately, this is the sad reality of modern dating. People are vastly available and it’s not like it used to be 20-30 years ago. Nowadays, there are more opportunities than ever.
A lot of men are afraid of commitment. Why? Well, that’s because they:
In other words, he doesn’t find you a worthy partner to be committed with.
Similarly, you shouldn’t devalue yourself and let him to do whatever he wants. You must realize that you also have standards and you will not cope with anyone else’s dumb standards.
You might think that he keeps you around when he doesn’t want a relationship because he’s simply not into you. When in fact, he’s just naturally cold. He doesn’t express emotions.
First, you must ask yourself if you are okay to live with such person that shows very little emotions. You must ask yourself if you are okay to be with a person whose face reflects no happiness or excitement when he meets you.
Though, it could be that he’s emotionless because he still doesn’t trust you and is afraid to be vulnerable. He’s afraid to be his true self in front of you.
It’s really uneasy task to correctly assess which case it is. Regardless, it’s up to you whether you want to continue this friendship.
Not only men, but every person likes a spice of mysteriousness. If you constantly care too much, showing only your positive side, and you’re very open in general, he won’t find himself curious about you.
It’s as if you are an open book which is always ready to be read. Everyone likes to achieve a goal which requires to put some effort in. Easily achievable goals create no interest.
This is very similar situation. The more open you are, the less interest you create.
He sees a relationship as a game. It’s nothing serious to him. He feels no attachment to you, nor he respects your feelings. He’s simply snobbish.
“It’s just for fun”, as a lot of people like to say.
Immaturity also comes in other forms, such as:
… And many others. There’s nothing you can do with such guy. If you notice any signs of immaturity, flee away asap.
Another reason to keep in mind if he doesn’t want a relationship is that he’s being very conservative. He doesn’t want any changes and rather wants to stay in the position that already is.
In other words, they experience fear of unknown. A lot of people suffer from this and it hurts their relationships and overall quality of life.
Fears control life because there’s too little confidence in a person. Can you sense lack of self-esteem in your man? If so, it could be this reason why he keeps you around.
Your man that you’re dating with might’ve suffered a trauma in his past relationship and he doesn’t want to move fast. He needs to regain confidence for relationships first.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain. ~ Mark Twain
It could also be that he naturally prefers slow-paced relationships and doesn’t want to rush things. He feels comfortable and doesn’t feel any threat.
That’s why you might be mistaken that he keeps you around while he doesn’t want any relationship with you.
He’s still exploring himself. He’s not sure whether he prefers to live alone or he rather prefers relationships.
There are a lot of cases where both men and women rather live alone than with someone else. They feel relationships drain too much emotional energy and consume too much time.
The best way to find out if this is true is just to ask.
What are his expectations from a relationship? What does he seek from it?
If you feel overwhelmed by the reasons why he keeps you around if he doesn’t want a relationship, there’s still one solution to all problems.
If you really care about him, you need to sit down and talk with him face to face.
As it might feel daunting and frightening, you will never know the truth if you don’t ask him. Don’t feel intimidated. There’s nothing to worry about if you are very determined to understand where this friendship leads to.
If you will try to understand the situation through messaging or talking on the phone, it can be a slippery situation. It’s much easier to find a false excuse when you don’t watch to the eyes of another person.
So, don’t be frightened and meet him in a public place, such as caffe. You really need to know if he’s worth all the effort and whether it’s worth using all the emotional energy.
Perhaps he’s just very shy and not confident about himself. Such simple answer from him would make everything clear what to do next.
Additionally, take a look at this video. It truly opens eyes about relationships:
Relationships are truly built different. Relationships are based on mutual feelings and they aren’t scientific facts. You can’t just simply read them.
You have to interpret the situation to find out the cause behind why he’s keeping you around if he doesn’t want a relationship. It’s even better if you have the guts to ask him the question face to face.
Relationships are built only on emotional connection. If they’re built on something else, it’s not a real relationship. It’s a connection based on benefits, whatever they are.
Remember to always prioritize yourself first. You should never change for another person if he doesn’t accept you the way you are.
I completely understand that it might hurt at first to leave the other person, but it’s for your own better mental health. Believe me, you will truly find one day someone that will make you happy.